Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Nigh-Ungodly Heat May Be Causing Hallucinations.

It is hot today.  Very, very hot.

I think the weather man said it was record breaking, this heat.  (REALLY? I HADN'T NOTICED.)

I woke up this morning fully intending to exercise, or at least get some fresh air, but by the time I had gotten dressed and consigned myself to torturous repetitious lunges and push-ups and treadmills it was as hot inside as it was outside.  And but that I mean it was nearly 80 degrees in the house.

It's nearly 90 now.  Inside.  I asked my brother if the Gods of the Chill Wind were angry at us for something.  He collapsed and was unable to speak for the oppressive heat.  I suggested sacrificing a goat (they sell them on Craigslist apparently).

So now I sit in a pool of my own sweat, trying to prevent my dog from sitting on me and giving me heatstroke.  I try to watch television, but without cable my only options are shows about Judges like Judy or Alex or old black-and-white programs.

I tried to read, for a while. I tried to read The Lord of the Rings, but between the heat and Tolkien's very descriptive account of Lothlorien I began to imagine my house sitting in the middle of an Elven forest.  The leaves were gold and flowers bloomed everywhere and it was midwinter and I was actually cool.

Kind of like this.
And then I thought that perhaps I was going crazy.  "No, I can't be going crazy," I said to myself as Bilbo Baggins toasted me with Elrond.

My point is, it's really hot, and I don't know what to do except fill a grocery bag with ice cubes and lay it across my face.

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